Hello, my beautiful and incredulous shoppers. I have new wares for you today.
May I present this fantastic, phenomenal, awe-inspiring, and Baltimore’s best kept secret – empty battery box!
(Limit one per customer.)
This empty battery box was gifted to me by an unknown coworker sometime before I got in this morning.
I don’t know who left me this belated Christmas present, but unfortunately, due to a problem I’ve had with batteries ever since childhood, I’m not able to keep it.
Who is this cunning Secret Santa?
My embarrassing preoccupations are your gain! For the low, low price of only $11.99, you can become the new proud owner of this stylish alkaline holder.
But! You don’t have to use it for just batteries. Indeed, it can be used to store a great variety of things.
Don’t leave home without it!
Buy it now! Before I do something weird.
– Definitely Not Ana
I am fascinated by the myriad potential for this box, and feel like my life is incomplete without it. I do have to wonder, however, what are the key differences between this box and the thousand others which I currently hoard?
I’m so glad you asked, Fully Automatic Kerfluffle Engager! (And can I just say, I can see you and I making beautiful acronyms together, if you know what I mean).
Now, let’s just take a step back for a minute and look at the big picture. You with me? Let’s talk about you.
Where do you see your box collection in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
Because, here’s the thing, and I’m going to be honest with you – I think you could go big with this. I think you could take box hoarding to the next level. I really do.
I meet people everyday and I look at their box collections and their aspirations for it, but I just don’t see the potential in them that I see in you.
When I look at you, I see the box hoarder that other people wish they could be. And that’s the truth. That’s the real, honest truth here.
You’ve got something. You’ve got ‘it.’ You’ve got lots of ‘it’s, as it so happens. In the form of boxes.
I really think this suits you. I think you’ve found your place in the world, and that’s something a lot of people struggle with. A lot of people are trying to be like you, just trying to figure it out. But here you are – the original.
Nobody else can be that.
But. But… I have some concerns. And I hope you don’t take this the wrong way because what I’m really trying to get at here is self-fulfillment.
Ok? I want to help you be the YOU that you really want to be. Ok. So, I’m just spit-balling here, but I think that maybe you don’t see the potential in yourself that I see.
So, I think you’re holding back a little.
I think maybe you’re afraid to go to the next level because you’re experiencing a little bit of self doubt. Am I right?
You’re thinking, “nah, that’s not me. That’s for other people. I’m just a little guy.” But that’s not true. YOU are it. You’ve got all the potential right here just waiting to be free.
You just have to believe in yourself, Fully Automatic Kerfluffle Engager.
Ok? And when you do that, you’re going to find good things coming your way. Lots of good things.
I just, I really want you to believe in yourself. I know it’s scary, but I’m telling you right now, you’ve got the stuff. You gotta put yourself out there, because you’re never going to know until you try.
Now, I want you to go home tonight with a positive outlook. Tomorrow’s going to be a new day and I think now is the time for you to make your next big move.
Go home tonight and look yourself in the mirror and repeat the following mantra, “I can do this. *I* am good enough. I don’t need to wait until other people think I’m good enough, because I am already enough. Right now, in this moment, I am valid.”
Can you do that for me, Fully Automatic Kerfluffle Engager?
Alright, enough of me jabbering on at you. I’m looking at you, and I can already see that you’re on the path. You’re in a good place and I think this is going to be a turning point for you.
This year is going to be your year. It’s already happening. Do you know how I can tell? Because you had the courage to come here today and take that first step. That’s big. That’s real big, and I’m not sure if you realize that or not. A lot of people are too afraid to get to where you’re at already.
You’re doing good, Kerfluffe Engager. You’ve got this. I have confidence in you and I don’t just say that to everybody.
Here’s what I can do for you, since I can see that maybe you need just that little extra confidence boost. I can take this price down for you.
Now, don’t tell your friends about this, because I’m not going to do this for everybody. This is just between us because we have this rapport going.
But, what I can do this one time is, I can split this payment up for you into two parts. I’ll set this empty battery box aside with your name on it, and all I need from you is an initial good faith payment of $5.99 today, and then when you’re ready, you can make a second payment of $5.99.
How’s that sound? You don’t have to pay everything today. Don’t worry. We’ll take care of everything on the back end for you. Just wire us the first installment and we’ll make sure this gets set aside for you so that you can get started on your new journey.
Things are looking up for you, Fully Automatic Kerfluffle Engager. I have a good feeling about this one.